TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
hi why am I like this
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
a rare painting of a porcu’melon