You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower