My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.