Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
You Might Also Like
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.