I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir