When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.