Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.