My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My first child will be named New Folder.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.