Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?