Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself