Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I only eat vegetarians.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.