Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
what the
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I love the National Park Service.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.