Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
You Might Also Like
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Left at a local drug store…
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!