Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Body by Oreos
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”