I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Plant care tips
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.