[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.