How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”