Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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