My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household