Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made