The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“What movie?” 🤔
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend