I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.