I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
181.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I saw this ending much differently.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Mission: Impossible
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.