I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?