Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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DOOO EEEET
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.