No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m calling the cops.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*