Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Cndnsd Mlk
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.