ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
He a real one for that
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Yep.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep