Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?