Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You Might Also Like
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
2023 was just a warmup
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Fight
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*