who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
#gardening
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.