Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
They got Raph!