[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’