they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
road rage
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy