A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations