my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
You Might Also Like
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.