First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i prefer mine room temperature.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
How about daylight saves us for once
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY