How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
being a writer on Twitter:
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Love this one 😂🧟
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
worst…sale…ever
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?