this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms