When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.