I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people