I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
You Might Also Like
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Note to self: I am a note
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen