There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
wut hotdog?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
🙄😏😂🤣
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus