A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?