* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Perfect.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.