My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
That’s it.I’m out.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I am crying
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes