I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.