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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
hmm conte-me mais
Alexa: *deep breath*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.