Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A little too much information.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.