[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child